Become a slum landlord!

This is a fantastic idea — Live Monopoly!

One game takes 24 hours… You get £15m to spend on property in London, then you pick one of 18 GPS enabled taxis as your playing piece.

Every time a rival cab passes one of your properties, they pay you rent. Every time your cab lands on another player’s property, you have to pay them rent.

At the end of the day, the person with the most money wins! There are even some London-based prizes, including the underwhelming “free meal at Nandos every month for a year”. (For those of you who don’t know, Nandos is a restaurant that only serves one item – chicken. They add a service charge to your bill, even though it’s self-service. It is the worst place on earth.)

Unfortunately, unlike real Monopoly, this game doesn’t allow you to cheat by nicking all the £500 notes when the other players are at the loo.

Monopoly Live

All your suits are custom-made in London

Back in the 90s, we were fascinated by Madonna’s pointy bra.

What was she keeping in there? Nobody really knew, but we reckoned it was either a crucifix or a pyramint.

How wrong we were. Because, according to a ‘source’ on this website, Madonna likes to store pink crystals in her knocker-holster.

What a pervy old minx.

Sympatico / MSN Entertainment: News

Two quick reads for Friday

Pete Townshend on the Jacko trial, getting txts from Geldof, and his haircut in 1985.

If you’re hiding in a portaloo with the hope of sneaking into Glastonbury, don’t triumphantly leap out of the can before you’re inside the fence!

Baby can I hold you (and perform an emergency medical manoevre on you) tonight?

So Ronan Keating is good for something, after all…

At a recent charity event, he came up behind one of his fans, wrapped his manly arms around her waist, and grasped her firmly.

With a sudden upwards thrust, and a filthy grunt… he performed the Heimlich manouevre, dislodging a piece of bread from her gullet.

What did you think we meant? Honestly, your minds are in the gutter.

If you can’t wait to get your hands on the new Goldfrapp single, Fluxblog has a naughty mp3 of it. But you have to promise to buy the real thing on August 8th, or we shall be very, very angry with you.

On a side note – doesn’t the cover for the single look eerily similar to the artwork for Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s last album?

Click on the image for more Goldfrappé, via their official website.

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” has topped a list of memorable movie quotes by the American Film Institute. Imagine how different things would have been if they’d gone with the alternative: “Frankly, my indifference is boundless.”

Some positive news from the Kylie camp. Australian fans have been told to hold on to their tickets because her live shows may still be rescheduled.

News squelch

Janet Jackson apologised for her lack of humour when Alan Cumming made reference to her ‘wardrobe malfunction’ at an awards ceremony the other night.

“I’m going to leave the jokes to the late-night (comics), if that’s okay,” she told the audience.

Jackson is currently appearing as a pole-dancer in her boyfriend’s new video.

Speaking of Cumming (ho-ho), the actor won’t be appearing in the new X-Men film, according to his website. So, having lost a director and a key member of the cast, will this film be any cop? Our movie correspondent (a Super 8 ball we found in Oxfam) says “Heck, no!”

Melanie B is blocking a Live 8 Spice Girls renuion, says Bob Geldof.

Talking to Richard and Judy, he divulged that Scary Spice “has difficulty going back to something she did in the past”. What, like being successful?

Download an exclusive Missy Elliot / Neptunes track (but only if you subscribe to Atlantic Records email spam list).

Whaddayknow? Alicia Silverstone got hitched! Awwww.

Nothing says “my album is fucking awful” better than re-releasing it with a handful of new songs and a couple of videos does it, ‘Fiddy’?

Least surprising news of the day? Beyoncé already has some solo work lined up. Couldn’t she at least have kept it quiet until Michelle and Kelly had had the chance to visit the job centre?

Incredulous quote of the day?
“Kids are so thick these days.” (Noel Gallagher)

You can’t handle the juice

Tom Cruise hasn’t been doing himself any favours recently, what with the mad shouting, the jumping up and down, the wrestling with Oprah, and the vampirical ‘relationship’ with Katies Holmes’ credibility.

But we have to admit he comes off quite well from the whole squirting-water-in-his-face incident. His reactions seem almost human. You can even imagine sharing his indignation.

Luckily, tvgasm have redubbed the whole incident as though it were porn, robbing Cruise of his dignity all over again. Hooray!

Now we can go back to deciding who should replace Katie on our laminated list.

TVgasm: Show Me The Money (Shot)!

Shudder

In an eerie piece of foreshadowing, Katie Holmes stands in front of a bat-infested Eiffel Tower earlier this week.

Only two days later, Tom Cruise proposes to her atop the (conveniently phallic) monument, thereby sucking the blood out of Holme’s career like a vampire.

Bitter, us?

Destiny’s Child make one final push for album sales before they disappear for ever by joining Philadelphia’s Live 8 bill. Meanwhile Status Quo are reduced to begging Bob Geldof to let them play. Just like they begged Radio 1 to play their records, and their guitar teacher to show them where to put their fingers for Em7.

Yawn! EMI plan to introduce copy protection to their CDs which will limit you to burning three copies of any one song onto a complation CD. Except, they admit, its not foolproof. So what’s the point?

Stuntmen have been throwing themselves down the steps and running through big piles of cardboard boxes at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

Why? Because they want a new Oscar category for stuntwork. We hope the Academy agrees, then calls it “Best fucking explosion,” or something.

What’s it like to have to cater to the demands of trumped-up teenage tartlet Lindsay Lohan on the set of a movie? One man spills the beans.

Lohan’s top diva moment is refusing to rehearse because she’s “waiting for the FBI to call.” It happens to us all…

Brushing Your Afro: The CD

The votes are in, and now we can reveal the tracklisting for the Discopop Directory onanism compilation album.

We’re just in time for you to burn a copy for Father’s Day, too!

Here we go:

1) Chuck Berry – My Ding-a-ling
While the single is unsubtle enough, you should really dig out the live version for the extra hand-job related lyrics:
“We did it in the kitchen!
“We did it in the hall!
“I got some on my fingers
“So I wiped it on the wall!”

2) The Divinyls – I Touch Myself
No further explanation needed.

3) Prince – Darling Nikki
It’s really about a one-night-stand with a kinky sex-mistress, but worth including for the line “I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine”. If you’re a purist, here are a few other Prince songs you can choose from: Tambourine, Jack U Off, Pheremone.

4) Semisonic – Get a Grip on Yourself
Although it seems to be a light-hearted ode to cracking one off (“Get a grip on yourself take my advice. I got a grip on myself and it feels nice”), Semisonic get extra kudos for the plaintive observation that this is “the loneliest kind of love”.

5)The Undertones – Teenage Kicks
6)The Vapors – Turning Japanese
Two classics, back-to-back.

7)U2 – Babyface
A sticky-fingered ode to the slow-mo button on your video recorder.

8)Tori Amos – Icicle
Bonus sacrilege points for Tori, whose song is not just about flicking the bean – but doing it at church!

9) Billy Joel – Captain Jack
“Your sister’s gone out, she’s on a date
You just sit at home and masturbate”.

10) Green Day – Longview
Helpfully dispelling the rumours that stroking the salami makes you go blind. Thanks, chaps.

11)The Buzzcocks – Orgasm Addict
12)Marvin Gaye – Sexual Healing
The 12″ version contains some extra lyrics in the fade-out…
“Don’t procrastinate
Don’t want to have to masturbate”.

13)Cyndi Lauper – She Bop

14)The Violent Femmes – Blister In The Sun
“Big hands, you know you’re the one”.

Random thoughts for a Thursday afternoon

Ever imagined what it would be like if you had a man-sized hamster wheel? Well, you need wonder no more…

Quote of the day is Madonna on her early career: “Sometimes I was being overtly sexual for the sake of showing off.”. Really? Because we hadn’t noticed.

The new Sugababes album“will piss over anything else released in the next five years”, says Popjustice. However, it appears to have a cover of Animotion’s Obsession (you’re an obesssion, you’re my obsession, what do you want me to be, to make you sleep with me). The jury is out, but we’ll hold a highly inappropriate press conference once we’ve reached a verdict.

This year’s amihotornot is called isitnormal. The website gives you your very own chance to act as agony aunt/uncle to people with quandries like this one:
“I am a guy and I love to wear nylons and pantyhose but I am def. not gay. I do this habit because I like the feel of them on my leggs. I wanted to know if it is normal and if I should be worried and does any other guys wear nylons?”

On a related note, why spend some amusing moments doing a google search on “I’m definitely not gay, but…”

Summer Burn 2005

Here’s a great idea for sharing music, without getting the RIAA breathing down your neck (possibly).

Funjunkie.com are asking people to make a 2-disc compilation of summer songs to send to each other, all in the spirit of discovering new music and being awesome to one another.

All you do is burn your compilation onto CD, and let the lovely people at funjunkie know about it. Then, on the first day of summer (June 21st, fact fans) they’ll email you to tell you where to send your discs. At the very same time, someone else will get an email with your address on it… and you’ll get a mystery compilation from them!

You can put any music you want on the discs — so shall we send the Discopop Directory “Greatest Autoerotic Love Songs In The World… Ever!” album as part of our gift package?

Of course we will!

FunJunkie! The Summer Burn 2005