Rihanna does a video, people notice

As everyone on the entire internet has pointed out, Rihanna is riding a zebra in her new video.

I’m a bit miffed that it’s a stuffed zebra. Where’s the fun and danger in that? Mind you, given that the video is an horrific assault assault on the eyes, it’s probably for the best that any real animals were kept away from the set.

Rihanna – Rude Boy

While it’s nice to see Rihanna nod to the calypso and soca music of her native Barbados, I can’t take the song seriously when the bridge so obviously steals the lyrical conceit of the following song:

Flight Of The Conchords – She’s So Hot (Boom)

Rihanna on Saturday Night Live

Okay, okay, I’m like five days late with this – but in my defence, Rihanna’s album is so terrifyingly bad that I’d mentally screened out any references to her for the last fortnight. This sketch, however, is mildly amusing.

Gig review: Rihanna in Brixton

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t expecting much from Rihanna’s album launch last night. That pinched, whiny noise she refers to as “singing” isn’t really my cup of tea, and her eyes are so dead they may as well be marbles.

Despite those setbacks, she’s managed to make a decent clutch of hit singles over the last couple of years. You may have heard them. There’s that one about the brolly, and the other one and the ballad. Top quality stuff.

The star’s new album, which leaked on Bit Torrent just hours before the gig, is foreboding and sinister – but it works surprisingly well live. Rihanna kicked off the show with the scuzzy Wait Your Turn, emerging from below the stage in a black and silver studded leotard, fishnets, and a lace eyemask. Then, straddling a rotating armchair (?), she launched into Russian Roulette, which she finished by pretending to shoot herself in the head.

After all this drama, the segue into the older, bouncier material could have been awkward – but Don’t Stop The Music, Disturbia and the rest had been suitably roughed up before the show. The visuals complimented the newly gritty Rihanna sound, with video backdrops full of disturbing post-apocalyptic images (assuming that throwing black paint at a tailor’s dummy was meant to represent a planet devastated by a cataclysmic climatic event, and I think it was).

Rihanna’s vocals were more mature and fulsome than I’d given her credit for, particularly on the slower tracks. And the 21-year-old was on fiesty form, clambering over the vintage TV screens that littered the set, and pausing to fondle a mannequin’s private bits. The saucebucket.

For the grand finale, Jay-Z turned up for a perfunctory run-through of his bits on Run This Town and Umbrella – during which several members of the audience put up their umbrellas and waved them around in the air. Best moment of audience participation ever.

Then, with a brief “I love you all”, Rihanna prowled off the stage and disappeared. I don’t mind saying that she’d taken my preconceptions with her.

Rihanna – Russian Roulette

SETLIST
Madhouse (intro)
Wait Your Turn
Russian Roulette
Don’t Stop The Music
Take A Bow / Disturbia
Hard
Live Your Life
Run This Town
Umbrella

Rihanna – what were you thinking?

Today, Rihanna unveiled her new single. It is called Russian Roulette, and that’s exactly what it’s about. Rihanna’s man wants to point a gun at her head and pull the trigger. Unbelievably, she acquiesces, saying: “I know that I must pass this test”.

I’m sure everyone at Universal is busy patting themselves on the back over this “clever” and “shocking” lyric – but given that Rihanna suffered a brutal beating at the hands of her former boyfriend just nine months ago, it’s in pretty poor taste. Even if she hadn’t, the lyrics are morally questionable. The character she’s playing (and let’s assume it’s a character for now) is willingly submitting to a lover’s chilling, violent fantasy. The song ends abruptly with a single gunshot.

It’s a strong, dramatic narrative – and would be superb as part of a bigger story on film or in a musical. But presented as it is, shorn of any context, it’s all rather unpleasant – because the only context we have is Rihanna being hit in the face with a pistol earlier this year.

According to the BBC, one in four women suffer domestic violence in their lifetime. Two women are murdered by their partner every week in the UK. Many of those who come through such abuse say that friends and family didn’t take their cries for help seriously. Russian Roulette will not help this situation.

Rihanna is, like it or not, a role model. Her strength in standing up to Chris Brown after his vicious assault, and her courage in appearing at his trial, were undoubtedly an inspiration to other women who were going through a similar situation. This song singlehandedly undoes all of that good work.

Plus, it is a terrible piece of music.

Hear it on Rihanna’s website if you must

Kanye’s new video stars Rihanna

Paranoid is one of the best tracks on Kanye West’s 808s and Heartbreaks album, and it just got a little better, with the addition of a lingerie-clad Bajan pop star. You know which one I’m talking about (because I wrote it in the headline).

Record label boss LA Reid showed off the video at a low-key event last night, and someone amazingly managed to sneak in a camera and film it. The following bootleg clip is a little shaky and fuzzy, but you get the idea.

Music snob uberblog Stereogum reckons they’ll have the real thing in a couple of days if you want to watch it in full High Def pornovision, or whatever they call it now.

Which genius approved this?

This is a genuine advert uploaded to Rihanna’s MySpace yesterday.

Remarkable.

New Rihanna video

For some reason (*cough* cash *cough*) Rihanna’s Good Girl Gone Bad album is getting a US re-release with a smattering of bonus tracks.

One of them, which is set to be a single, has been recorded with Ne-Yo, a man I would call tedious if we could stay awake long enough to typ…. Sorry, must have dropped off there.

It is called Take A Bow (yes, like the Madonna song) and as much thought has gone into the video as went into the title, lyrics and melody.

Here it is. I recommend using industrial strength steel springs to keep your eyes open.

Rihanna – Take A Bow

The Brits, then

Top 10 Discopop albums of 2007

Happy New Year! And, looking forward at our past, here are the top 10 albums from the Discopop Towers ghettoblaster in 2007.

1) ROBYN – ROBYN

Sounds like: Early Madonna, with better jokes.

The critics say: “Is it any good? No. IT IS FUCKING BRILLIANT!” (popjustice)

We say: Okay, so this came out in Sweden three years ago but it’s still the freshest, deadliest pop album to hit these shores in aeons. Robyn pens a killer hook, but her real skill is in the lyrics, which can be heartbreaking (“It’s a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain”), sentimental (“I would knit you mittens and make you pie”) or out-and-out comedy (“I’ll make your balls bounce like a game of ping pong”). One for the rewind button every time.

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2) ARCADE FIRE – NEON BIBLE

Sounds like: Twelve monks who are, like, really depressed about the future.

The critics say: “A magical kingdom of noise that’s equal parts Disney’s Fantasia and Echo & The Bunnymen’s lavish Ocean Rain.” (Q magazine)

We say: Post-millennial angst you can sing along to. Planes crash into buildings, families are ripped apart by war, a big black tidal wave comes to wipe out the population. Not the cheeriest album of the year, but certainly the most epic.

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3) CSS – CANSEI DE SER SEXY

Sounds like: A kids party in a mental asylum.

The critics say: “Lots of handclaps, woo woo backing vocals, and laughs amid funny observations about contemporary urban hipster life reveal an assured and charming debut.” (Stylus magazine)

We say: Hey, it’s another album that’s technically three years old. Did I ever say I was a hip and with-it indie scenester? No, I did not.

Anyway, CSS are brilliant. Bouncy, stupid and colourful – they could only have come from Sao Paolo. The lyrics verge on nonsense (“Am I a mouse? Am I an elephant?!”) yet often reveal something deeper on repeated listens. But Cansei De Ser Sexy (tired of being sexy) is mostly designed for jumping up and down to in a student disco with a bacardi breezer and an ironic t-shirt. Ah, the memories.

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4) AMERIE – BECAUSE I LOVE IT

Sounds like: A modern r&b record that knows its roots.

The critics say: “It would be no exaggeration to call Amerie one of the greatest singers in pop music. Her vocal performances are extraordinary: she catches the fleeting thrills and momentary rushes of intensity that permeate otherwise mundane days, and stretches those feelings out across four-minute songs without ever letting up.” (The Guardian)

We say: R&B is in a bit of a lull these days, which is why it’s so utterly criminal that this sparkling firecracker of an album did so badly. The record company hasn’t even bothered to release it in the US, which means it could be one of the great lost records of our time.

Amerie, who takes on a great deal of the writing duties for her third album, has a fantastic understanding of her soul music forebears and pays tribute to the likes of Smokey Robinson, Issac Hayes and Dozier-Holland-Dozier throughout. Not that this is a Winehouse-esque pastiche of latter-day r&b. Every lesson she learned from those masterminds of composition has been updated and spun in new directions, underscored by that fantastic voice. 2007 didn’t have a better soul workout than Gotta Work, a funkier guitar line than Take Control, or a more sugary pop confection than Crush.

Seriously, you have got to buy this album.

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5) GIRLS ALOUD – TANGLED UP

Sounds like: A girl band growing up.

The critics say: “Unbeatable future pop hits.” (NME)

We say: It didn’t seem possible a year ago that a band who would release a tired, by-numbers cover of I Think We’re Alone Now would emerge re-invigorated to produce an album this fresh. The traditional Girls Aloud formula still stands – preposterous song structures, brain-eating hooks – but the mood is a little more melancholy than before. Call The Shots, their best single since Biology, is a minor-key pop wonder, while future single I Can’t Speak French is a sultry mid-tempo sleazefest. Top marks all round.

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6) RADIOHEAD – IN RAINBOWS

Sounds like: A Radiohead album.

The critics say: “The first time I listened to Radiohead’s In Rainbows, I loved it, no holds barred. Joy warmed my ears as the album’s 10 songs poured forth from a freshly unzipped download.” (Los Angeles Times)

We say: I didn’t wet my pants quite as readily as everyone else, but In Rainbows is a fantastic album, and probably the most direct record Radiohead have released since The Bends. You can hear what Thom Yorke is singing, you can hum most of the tunes, but you’d still be hard pressed to replicate most of the songs on an acoustic guitar. The ones that you can, however, are stunning . Among them are Nude, Faust Arp and Reckoner – some of the most beautifully haunting ballads the band have ever written.

On another note – I never thought I’d see the day when Thom Yorke cribbed lyrics from Madonna’s Justify My Love. But on House Of Cards he really does sing “I don’t want to be your friend, I just want to be your lover”. Amazing.

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7) DRAGONETTE – GALORE

Sounds like: Goldfrapp snogging Britney Spears in a strip club toilet.

The critics say: “A 21st Century Eurythmics” (Uncut)

We say: This one crept in under the radar and burrowed its way into our mind with the cunning use of big, fat choruses from planet singalong. Dragonette, a Canadian band managed by the team behind the Scissor Sisters, plough a similar furrow to their New York counterparts. That is to say, glittery synth-driven pop with an undercurrent of sleaze. My particular favourite is Competition – a song about stealing someone from their girlfriend by being better in bed (“Goodness I like this, being your mistress,” purrs singer Martina Sorbara). No-one seems to have heard of them, and the album is rarer than a French beefsteak, but I still love it.

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8) SIOBHAN DONAGHY – GHOSTS

Sounds like: A ginger Kate Bush.

The critics say: “Nobody else in 2007 is making records this bold, this big-hearted and this defiantly different.” (Digital Spy)

We say: Siobhan, the first former Sugababe, surpassed the ambition and invention of her former colleagues this year but she paid the price for releasing such a wayward, complex album without the calling card of a radio-friendly single. If you’re going to be Kate Bush or Tori Amos, you need a Wuthering Heights or Cornflake Girl to alert people to your presence. But for those prepared to investigate, this is pop on a grand scale: sweeping strings, icy melodies and choruses like a warm bath (I’m not quite sure what that means, but I think you get the point).

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9) TIMBALAND – TIMBALAND PRESENTS SHOCK VALUE

Sounds like: Robot hip-hop from the only producer in the game.

The critics say: “It would be more accurately titled Timbaland Presents Slight Confusion or Timbaland Presents an Uneven Mess.” (Allmusic)

We say: Admittedly, only 11 of Shock Value’s 19 tracks still exist on my iPod, but those tracks are stunning. And, even when the album fails, you have to give Timbaland credit for attempting to broaden his musical palette. Rather than go down the Dr Dre route of calling up all his famous mates (although Justin and Nelly do appear), he has roped in The Hives, Fall Out Boy and Elton John to create some of the album’s stand-out tracks.

My favourite, however, is the UK-only bonus track – Come Around – which features underground rap star M.I.A. Her slinky delivery is, for once, not drowned out by superfluous sound effects and rave sirens as Timbaland gives a masterclass in how to frame a woman’s vocals. The song is only let down by the hip-hop supremo’s own rapping which, at its best, is hopeless. “Baby girl, you and me / Need to go to your tipi”. Oh dear.

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10) RIHANNA – GOOD GIRL GONE BAD

Sounds like: A collection of songs assembled by big-name r&b producers and sung by a very lucky lady from Barbados.

The critics say: “Beyonce’s superstar status is not in danger, but she should hand her A&R man a copy of this album.” (The Observer)

We say: Umbrella is great. Don’t Stop The Music is great. The rest of Good Girl Gone Bad is very good assembly-line pop. You don’t learn anything about Rihanna, the 19-year-old musical phenomenon with a pretty nose, whose whiny voice will almost certainly begin to grate by the second half of the record. And, with the exception of the one about the precipitation-repelling device, you won’t be singing any of these songs three years from now.

If I sound like I don’t like Good Girl Gone Bad, it’s because I’m a little frightened of what it represents – that lots of money can buy you a hit album regardless of your talent. So, while this is my 10th most listened-to album of the year (this list is based on my iTunes play counts) I’d prefer to give the “award” to Stargate, Timbaland, Redzone and all the other production teams, rather than Rihanna who had her photograph taken for the picture on the cover.

…And on that grumpy note, let’s look forward to the next 12 months of music!

The Discopop top 10 singles of 2007

If you don’t own these, you’re probably a paedophile.

1) Amerie – Gotta Work

An updated, improved version of One Thing, Gotta Work stomps all over the dancefloor like a giant in hotpants. Using a sample of Isaac Haye’s Hold On, I’m Coming, Amerie crafted a case study in melodic composition – there’s not a single wasted note across three minutes and eleven seconds. Why this didn’t get to number one, I’ll never know.
:: Watch it on youtube

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2) Robyn – With Every Heartbeat

“Still dying with every step I take, but I don’t look back,” sings Robyn as With Every Heartbeat opens. It’s the most emotionally honest, bitterly painful song of the year – if not all time. The bit where the string quartet kicks in will break your heart a thousand times over. Her acoustic performance of the song on Radio One probably drove several teenagers to poetry or that weird sobbing where you make a noise like Hannibal Lecter when you breathe in. But you can dance to it, too, which must turn school discos into a dangerous playground of tears and snot. Brilliant.
:: Watch it on youtube

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3) CSS – Let’s Make Love and Listen To Death From Above

The best drunken come-on of the year, Let’s Make Love sees Lovefoxxx making a stupid, Bridget Jones-style attempt to get a man into bed. The song doesn’t record whether or not she was successful, but I definitely would.

According to Wikipedia, the hook “is probably a reference to the Canadian band Death From Above 1979, as evidenced in the song’s video where band members are shown wearing elephant masks (a reference to the “elephant heads” on the cover of Death From Above 1979’s album You’re a Woman, I’m a Machine).” So now you know.
:: Watch it on youtube

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4) Rihanna – Umbrella

In which 19-year-old Robyn Rihanna Fenty transformed from a vaguely-interesting Barbadian R&B lady into a globe-straddling pop behemoth before our very eyes. This despite the fact her singing voice is more nasal than an anteater, and that the opening rap from Jay-Z is the very definition of “phoned in”. But this record is so amazingly catchy that it has changed the way we pronounce the word umbrella for the rest of all time.
:: Watch it on youtube

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5) Girls Aloud – Call The Shots

If Rihanna mangled her pronunciation of umbrella, Cheryl Tweedycole put the word “now” through a primeval torture device in Call The Shots. Seriously, it ends up being seventeen syllables long or something. But I love this song, and anyone who says they don’t love it too it is lying through their dirty mouth.
:: Watch it on youtube

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6) Groove Armada – Song 4 Mutya

Despite the lyrics, Mutya almost certainly doesn’t know all the words to Prince’s Hot Thing, but this pop song, full of meaty synths and New Order guitar lines, sounds exactly like the sort of thing the little purple man would have written for one of his filthy protegés in the mid-80s. The video is a crock of shit, though.
:: Watch it on youtube (but it’s probably best not to waste your time)

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7) Beyoncé and Shakira – Beautiful Liar

Two of pop’s shoutiest ladyfolk have a volume competition over a slinky, arabesque beat. The video contains several scenes of wiggling. It is altogether smashing.
:: Watch it on youtube

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8) Girls Aloud – Sexy! No, No, No…
Nadine has a “d-d-dirty mind”, she helpfully tells us in this hymn to sexual caution. Coincidentally, two years ago she used the lyrics of Biology to advertise her “dirty brain”. We, the public, demand more information about this inner pervert.
:: Watch it on youtube

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9) Siobhan Donaghy – Don’t Give It Up

It is a terrible crime that, despite having released one of the most inventive albums of the year, Siobhan Donaghy is now dying from Aids (on stage in a crappy “reinvention” of Rent, fact-fans). This song, equal parts Kate Bush and Bjork, is absoulte nonsense – but very beautiful, stately nonsense with an ethereal vocal. No doubt it was deemed “too demanding” for the cretins that listen to Radio One. If only she had put “The” in front of her name, they might have paid attention.
:: Watch it on youtube

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10) Nelly Furtado – Say It Right

One of those songs that sits unloved and overshadowed on its parent album before revealing its true glory as a single. A slinky little minor-key ballad, its one of Nelly’s more atmospheric songs, although I’ve never really paid attention to what it’s all about. According to the internet, however, the lyrics go: “From my hands I could give you something that I made / From my mouth I could sing you another brick that I laid”. Nelly Furtado is nuts, isn’t she?
:: Watch it on youtube

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PS: As ever, the top 10 list is put together using my iTunes play counts and a bit of maths(!) to even out the bias towards songs that have been around all year.

PPS: Honourable mentions also go to The Klaxons – Golden Skans, White Stripes – You Don’t Know What Love Is, Gossip – Standing In The Way Of Control, Take That – Shine, Mark Ronson – Stop Me, The Ting Tings – That’s Not My Name, Kanye West – Stronger, Arcade Fire – Intervention, Timbaland ft Justin Timberlake and Nelly Furtado – Give It To Me, New Young Pony Club – The Bomb.