Natasha Bedingfield: Must do better, see me after class

Natasha Bedingfield is one of those artists who seems to just fall through the cracks in the UK. Her songs are catchy and effervescent (although she tends to bellow her choruses with all the subtlety of Katie Price at a buddhist retreat) but people seem not to have warmed to her.

In the US, however, she’s quickly becoming part of the pop firmament, as evidenced by the massive wads of cash her record company have spunked up the wall for her latest video, Pocket Full of Sunshine.

None of that moolah seems to have been spent on maintaining a consistent narrative logic, however. Hence:

Natasha is a secretary (not in the Maggie Gyllenhaal sense, unfortunately).

Bored of work, she unpacks a parachute which she just happens to have in the office and jumps out the window.

Natasha doesn’t pull the rip-cord immediately. Given that she will be falling at a rate of 54 metres per second, her office would have to be around 600 metres above ground level for her to make a safe landing.

The tallest man-made building in the world is the Burj Dubai, which tops out at 425 metres, fact fans.

Despite this, Natasha manages to land on the roof of a nearby office tower. And her costume has changed completely. Amazing.

Anyway, the video is all pretty colours, and the single has that worship song vibe that Bedingfield excells at. But, to be frank, the best bit about the Youtube (youtube) clip below is the text messages that scroll across the bottom of the screen. My personal favourite: “I love marquees”.

Natasha Bedingfield – Pocket Full Of Sunshine

What’s going on with Natasha Bedingfield?

In the old days, before corporate “synergy” gave us global brands like Cif and Snickers and the Wonderbra, products used to have different names in different markets. What we now know to be Starburst used to masquerade as called Opal Fruits; painful ladyhair remover Veet used to be known as Immac in certain parts of the world; For many years, Pepsi was called Honking Nob Juice in Scandinavia (Are you sure about that last one? – Ed)

Most of this confusion has now been cleared up, except in the case of the Milky Way. A fluffy nougatine confection in the UK, in the US it is to all intents and purposes a Mars Bar. It can cause literally seconds of confusion.

It now appears that Natasha Bedingfield has turned into the pop equivalent of a Milky Way. Her perfectly lovely NB album, released in the UK earlier this year, is completely different to the album of the same name she’s about to release in the US.

The first single for US fans is a duet with that twat Sean Kingston which, to my surprise, isn’t that bad. But the song has never been released in the UK, where it doesn’t even feature as an album track.

Natasha Bedingfield ft Sean Kingston – Love Like This (fan video)

Now, we find she’s doing the same with her second single – a poppy little R&B number from Rodney Jerkins (Brandy, Destiny’s Child, that Spice Girls album we prefer not to talk about). Again, its a completely new track just for the US.

Natasha Bedingfield – A.N.G.E.L. (clip)

Clearly, someone at Sony US has decided Natasha’s first attempt at a second album wasn’t good enough, and has forced her back into the studio to try again. The results are actually quite good – but it makes you wonder why she was allowed out with a substandard product by the UK arm of her company in the first place.

Next week from the tortured pop-confectionery metaphor department: Why Robbie Williams is at the end of his FUSE, how Britney has turned into a FLAKE, and Brandon Flowers shows us his CURLY WURLY. Geddit?!

Natasha Bedingfield album review

Verbose popstress Natasha Bedingfield has a new album coming out at the end of the month. It is called NB, which is Latin for “note well” and also (dur) Natasha’s initials. Impressive, eh?

Here is what to expect if you fork out a tenner for it.

1) How Do You Do?
Natasha thinks girls should be able to ask guys out. Because in Bedingfield-world it’s still 1873. Sounds like a Cossack dance produced by Kanye West. Superb.
Obligatory Big word: Circumspect

2) I Wanna Have Your Babies
Like a bad plot device in 24, Natasha has a ticking time-bomb between her thighs. (She wants babies, you see). Insanely catchy, if a little irritating.
Obligatory Big word: Nonchalant

3) Soulmate
Serious and important ballad, destined to haunt Simon Cowell at American Idol auditions until the day he dies. A bit yawn-worthy, truth be told.
Obligatory Big word: Transitory

4) Who Knows
“I’m in like with you / not in love with you”. Natasha has been watching too much One Tree Hill, I reckon. There’s a superb Prince-esque synth running through this, which makes it exactly six times better than a bagel.
Obligatory Big word: Oxygenation

5) Say It Again
The one she wrote with the bloke out of Maroon 5. Would not sound out of place in Top Shop, with all that implies.
Obligatory Big word: Conglomerate

6) Pirate Bones
This is more like it. A completely loopy song about Captain Jack Sparrow full of chunky great stabs of choppy piano. If Natasha did more of this sort of unfettered bonkers nonsense and less of the playing-it-safe American radio pap this album would be genius.
Obligatory Big word: Counterfeit

7) Backyard
NB is yearning for the innocent times of childhood. Which, for her, means about a quarter of an hour ago… Could be cloying and twee, but the key change in the chorus actually evokes a sense of nostalgia. Ooh, clever.
Obligatory Big word: Bazooka

8) Tricky Angel
Pretty chorus, but the production is a complete mess. There are so many competing voices it sounds like a visit to Robbie Williams’ inner psyche.
Now, there’s a prospect that’ll make you piss your pants. Twice.
Obligatory Big word: Intervention

There hereby follows an “interlude” which is a bad photocopy of Imogen Heap’s Hide And Seek. Frighteningly bad.

9) What Ifs [feat Eve]
Eve puts Natasha’s name in a rap, and it’s as incongruous as a peacock at a wake. This will probably be a single.
Obligatory Big word: Evidence

10) Not Givin’ Up
Natasha tells her man she’s not giving up on their relationship, but it sounds less like a plea for love and understanding than the crazed threats of a demented stalker with a knife made of human bones. Creepy.
Obligatory Big word: Aggravation

11) Still Here
A particularly tedious piano ballad. It will sap your will to live. Skip!
Obligatory Big word: Stegosaurus

12) Smell The Roses
Natasha meets a wise old man who makes her re-assess the hectic pace of her modern urban existence, with its Sony Playstations and Spinach and Feta wraps. Thought-provoking.
Obligatory Big word: Shoelaces

PS: Precisely three of those “big words” are completely made up. I’ll leave you to decide which ones, readers.

What we learnt this week

:: If Swedish popstar Robyn could be any domestic appliance, she would be a dishwasher because they are “very useful”

:: The comedic impact of that question may have been lessened because Robyn did not know the term domestic appliance.

:: Natasha Bedingfield says the last time she feel asleep in public, she was sunbathing on a beach in New Zealand. Lucky bitch.

:: Doctor Who star Freema Agyeman insists that the sonic screwdriver is “not just a blue torch – it’s magic”.

:: There was a thing about Samantha Mumba on Channel 4 which everyone said was brilliant, but we missed it.

:: The police said a man was very irresponsible for skiing down escalators in London and making a video of it, thereby ensuring everyone would go and have a look for it on the youtubes.

:: Elton John had his birthday spoiled when Your Song was awarded the 20th Worst Lyric Ever prize by some website. The cuplrit: “If I was a sculptor – but, then again, no.” [full list here]

:: Also, Robyn played a concert in London with two drummers, which is like something out of a wet dream. She also did two versions of her super Swedish single Be Mine – which went a bit like this:

Be Mine – Acoustic

Have a great weekend!

Natasha Bedingfield album cover

This:

Looks a bit like this:

Except Natasha Bedingfield’s new album NB is only about 5% as pervy as Madonna’s mid-90s sexfest.

It’s really quite good, though. I’ll do a review in the next couple of days.

Natasha Bedingfield album cover

This:

Looks a bit like this:

Except Natasha Bedingfield’s new album NB is only about 5% as pervy as Madonna’s mid-90s sexfest.

It’s really quite good, though. I’ll do a review in the next couple of days.

Natasha Bedingfield: A correction

Last week, I may mistakenly have given the impression that Natasha Bedingfield’s new single, I Wanna Have Your Babies, is an acceptable piece of music. On further reflection, I realise that the song is desperately irritating and, futhermore, a load of old pants.

I apologise for any aural trauma you and members of your family may have suffered as a result of my recommendation. I have booked myself into a clinic in Malibu for treatment. Can someone look after the cat for a week?

(For those of you made of sterner stuff, here is the video. Nadine from Girls Aloud is in it for no discernable reason.)

Bedingfield seeks offspring

Natasha Bedingfield is back, back, BACK! ETC!

She’s only gone and done a new single, the title of which has long been bandied about on the internet with a certain degree of disdain.

Mind you, it’s called I Wanna Have Your Babies, so that’s hardly too surprising. Babies are yucky.

The amazing thing is (and I’m aware that my critical faculties are somewhat dulled at the moment) it’s not half bad. Natasha has an uncanny a knack for writing songs that form a permanent loop in the tune centre of your brain (the medulla melodiosa, made-up fact fans) and this one will be going round your skull like a goldfish on poppers.

The lyrics are even quite clever. She’s no Byron, Shelly or Keats* but I like that Natasha hums the chorus because if she opens her mouth she’ll blurt out how much she loves her Bedingbloke, causing him to flee her blousy embrace in a blind panic.

This is because blokes hate any outward display of emotion – preferring instead to fart and spill lager on their black and decker workmate.

It is possible this lyric was inspired by watching endless repeats of Friends on E4.

Anyway, you can download an MP3 of the whole shebang from the link below. You’ll be dancing in your slippers in literal minutes.

Natasha Bedingfield – I Wanna Have Your Babies

* do you see what I did there?

MONSTER!

Life is so cruel! While pop mong Daniel has managed to escape two separate car crashes virtually unscathed, his glamourpuss sister Natasha has been horribly disfigured by the Joker out of Batman.

Or she’s dressed up like a Chinese tart for her new video.

You decide.

Natasha goes for ‘geisha girl’ look