Marina & The Diamonds: Hollywood

So, after a few limited edition EPs and amazing blog-friendly videos, THIS is apparently the BIG FIRST SINGLE from Marina And The Diamonds. The make-or-break, will she / won’t she, last roll of the dice, final spin of the wheel, russian roulette gamble. Here’s how I reacted to the song…

First listen
This is weird. The melody’s all over the place. My mum will not be buying this down at Tesco*.

Second listen
Oh, I kind of see what’s going on now. The lyric about Shakira is cute. But no way is daytime radio going to touch anything this wilfully perverse in the tune department.

Third listen
I love this song. I want to hug it. I want to hug everyone. I want everyone to hug the song. And possibly some alone time for me and the song in a cupboard, fumbling about next to the spare light bulbs and the feather duster. Followed by a gin and a lie down and a panicked 3am phone call for an ambulance and a scary moment where they have consider using the defibrilator. It’s that good.

Marina and the Diamonds – Hollywood

* Actually, my mum will buy it. She heard I Am Not A Robot and Mowgli’s Road for the first time this weekend and asked: “If I go onto Amazon will I be able to buy her album?”

This is a good sign. My mum’s track record of predicting hits is fearsome. In 1997, she insisted that Run DMC vs Jason Nevins were destined for number one. She bought James Blunt’s Back To Bedlam in 2004, months before anyone had heard You’re Beautiful on the radio. And, last year, she announced Lady GaGa was “definitely going to be a star” after having her nails done next to her in the Belfast branch of House Of Fraser (trufax). In fact, mum should probably be writing this blog instead of me.

A cornucopia of distractions for Friday

Cheryl Cole’s 3 Words video

The title track to Cheryl Cole’s solo album is one of the oddest single choices this year. Sombre, atmospheric, understated – 3 Words pretty much anti-pop. Cheryl and Will.i.am are singing about a love affair, but they sound utterly miserable about it. Hopelessly, wretchedly sad. Maybe they’ve just discovered they’re cousins?

When you add in the fact that this track is being released slap bang in the middle of the Christmas rush, 3 Words becomes the musical equivalent of the EastEnders’ Christmas Day special – a black ocean of woe at a time when everyone else is parping on about peace and goodwill and how lucky they are to have won the X Factor.

In other words, it’s absolutely terriffic. Cheryl is doing exactly what a proper pop star ought to – bucking the trend, upsetting the apple cart, shaving off Father Christmas’s beard, drinking all the sherry and falling asleep on top of the cat.

Top marks all around.

Cheryl Cole ft Will.i.am – 3 Words

Mars attacks

There is nothing subtle or understated about the new record by 30 Seconds To Mars (henceforth to be referred to as 30STM, or simply “~”). It opens with the sound of a lone hawk. It ends with a choir of thousands, recorded in eight separate countries. It is so epically HUGE that “~” could rebrand themselves Mr Big if the name hadn’t already been taken.

The lyrics are massively important, too. It’s all about man’s fall from grace and Jared Leto’s hopes for spiritual redemption. This sort of blether is usually the preserve of Saint Bono, and “~” have cunningly hired U2 producers Steve Lilywhite and Flood to construct a grandiose windswept soundscape around their dopey clichés. Close your eyes and it could actually be U2. Open your eyes and it’s a much more enticing prospect – They all have their own hair! No-one thinks they’re Jesus! Jared Leto is easier on the eye than blinking!

If you’re thinking “this sounds more self-important than Jeremy Clarkson, on a throne, in the middle of Picadilly Circus, reading his autobiography through a loudhailer to his own reflection”, you’d be right. It’s massively, ludicrously pompous. The video is nine minutes long, for heaven’s sake. Yes, the director tries to temper this by using a pseudonym (Bartholomew Cubbins) that he’s ripped out of a Dr Seuss book – but he spoils all that by having a credit sequence that lasts three enitre minutes.

Nonetheless, in a year that has been sadly bereft of big, stupid rock songs you can sing at the top of your voice in the car*, this is the track we’ve been waiting for.

30 Seconds To Mars – Kings And Queens

** My favourite musical genre

"I see a little silhouetto of a clam"

Stop everything you are doing AT ONCE and watch this.

The Muppets – Bohemian Rhapsody

What in the name of Jiminy is going on with Timbaland’s face?

There comes a point in every pop star’s career where they become so big – so unfeasibly, inexplicably popular – that no-one is prepared to second guess their artistic instinct. Because, when they’re honest about it, the people that run the record labels are scared of the creative types. They can’t quantify, dissect, calibrate, timetable, define or understand what artists do, but they are essential to the future of the business. So, if someone is on a roll, it’s best just to assume that they are in complete control of their faculties, and let them get on with the job.

Timbaland is currently in such a position. Everything he touches turns to gold. Not metaphorical gold, but actual, literal, gold records. So, when he decided the perfect facial expression for his new video was “Jack Nicholson, with Bell’s Palsy, trying to a force an undigested corn on the cob out of his bumhole”, it would appear that nobody around him was capable of saying, “Em, perhaps that may not be the best idea, Timothy”.

I stopped taking screen captures around the 3 minute mark. It was starting to become ridiculous.

But if someone wants to go through the whole thing and make an animated gif of the many faces of Timbaland, I would happily delete this enitre site and just put that up in its place, looping for infinity.

Timbaland ft SoShy – Morning After Dark

Come to think of it, the whole vampire storyline has a certain air of “whatever you think is best, Mr Timbaland”, to it as well.

Janet says "Make Me" (a bit more like my brother)

The video for Janet Jackson’s new single, Make Me, premiered at the weekend and it is unbelievably similar to the one she did with Michael for Scream. It’s almost as if she’s saying, “Hey, look you guys. I know you haven’t really been into the whole ‘buying my records’ thing since that one time I got a little undressed at the Superbowl and you all freaked out, like, big time. But you’ve forgiven my dead brother for all that weird stuff he definitely didn’t do, so it’d be totally awesome if you could spare some of that goodwill for me. Thx, Janet.”

The sad thing is, the song is good enough to be a hit without reminding you of Janet’s impressive lineage / horrible tragedy. It’s one of those Madonna-esque hymns to redemptive power of dance. A bit repetitive, a bit shallow, but utterly awesome in the moment. Lookee here:

Janet – Make Me

Much better is La Jackson’s appearance on last night’s American Music Awards. A seven-minute medley of all of her biggest hits, with all the original choreography, and the now-obligatory shot of Jermaine Jackson in the audience pulling that face that he thinks looks like pride, but actually looks like he’s bitten his tongue and is trying not to scream. It (the performance) reminds you exactly why Janet can release a entire double album of number ones.

It’s because she’s a-frickin-mazing.

Janet – AMA performance

Charlotte Gainsbourg video amazingness

Stop what you’re doing right now and watch this video from French singer-songwriter Charlotte Gainsbourg. It features the following objects, which you will not see in any other music video this year:

:: A giant walnut
:: A man with half a beard
:: A monster in a bath
:: Spongebob Squarepants being wrestled to the ground
:: A skateboard resting on four stacks of burgers

What does it all mean? Probably nothing. During the shoot, director Keith Schofield told Anthem Magazine: “I’ve got a big folder full of about 800 pictures and whenever I get a music track, I just scroll through the images and see if any idea pops.” On this occasion, he presumably pulled out several dozen of those pictures, cut them up, stuck them back together in a random order, and recreated the results on film, in slow motion, for a laugh.

The song, Heaven Can Wait, is a strangely beautiful duet with Beck*, who produced Gainsbourg’s forthcoming album, IRM.

* Doesn’t he look skinny?

The Big Pink topple their Dominos

The Big Pink don’t know how to spell Dominoes, but they do put on a good show. As proof, here they are on Jools Holland making it look easy.

The Big Pink – Dominos (live)

I’m just a sucker for a lady drummer.

A Saturdays video for you to watch

“Hey, what’s that going on over there? It looks like a girl band making a video. We should stick around and watch – they might do some killer dance moves, or jump on a car, or fly on strings, or have a food fight, or put a squirrel on their boobs.

“Oh, wait, it’s The Saturdays. Let’s just go home and watch Bargain Hunt.”

The Saturdays – Ego

Honestly, viewers, how do you make having superpowers look boring? Mollie (or is it Una?) can fly, but she just kind of flollops off the edge of a building like an upturned trifle. Frankie (or is it Rochelle?) has superhuman strength and can stop a car in its tracks by… er, leaning on it half-heartedly and pouting. And Vanessa (you get the point) can control a man like a puppet by waving her hands around a bit.

Actually, that last one’s quite impressive.

Final scores:
8/10 for hair and makeup. 6/10 for the song. 3/10 for the band.