Today, we bring you links to external websites to create the impression we’re working when, in fact, we’re reading external websites. Duplication is keeping this blog alive, folks…
:: Following the much-emailed literal interpretation of A-ha’s Take On Me video, and the not-nearly-as-funny version of Tears For Fears’ Head Over Heels, comedy gold is mined once again in the series’ third instalment.
::Credit card warning. Don’t do what this guy did.
:: Lily Allen is streaming her new album on MySpace. I can’t be bothered to listen to it – can someone else pass it through their auditory system and let me know if it’s worth buying? Thanks.
:: We all suspected Christian Bale had a bit of a temper, but here’s confirmation – an extraordinary two minute, expletive-filled rant on the set of Terminator: Salvation. Disgraceful. Update: Here’s the inevitable dance remix.
:: Following SingStar Abba’s success, we’re promised Singstar Queen later this year. I don’t care what Sony says, however, I’m not buying a PS3 until we get Singstar Girls Aloud. And the price drops by £100. And pigs fly.
:: President Obama reads Bush’s handover letter live from the Oval Office
:: A trainspotter-esque, but nonetheless fascinating, Wikipedia page on unusual types of gramophone records.
:: Whatever happened to TV’s Blossom? “I was too ‘ethnic’ or ‘quirky’,” she tells The Onion.
:: Here’s what Guitar Hero would have looked like in 1982 [via b3ta]
Here it is, folks. An entirely “surprising” list of the best albums that have been troubling the Discopop Towers “ghettoblaster” over the last twelve months.
1) Regina Spektor – Begin To Hope I haven’t written nearly enough about how much I love Regina Spektor on these here pages. Every single track on this album, her major-label debut, is magic. As an added bonus, she is stark raving bonkers. One song is about her illicit relationship with biblical strongman Samson. Another discusses how Regina only ate tangerines for an entire month. What marvellous nonsense, eh? Think Tori Amos or Fiona Apple, but with tunes that stick in your head for months, instead of making you think “oh, she’s a really accomplished musician, isn’t she?”.
2) Nelly Furtado – Loose It’s not consistent – there are far too many Timbaland songs that sound like a good beat in search of a melody – but seven or eight of the tracks on Loose are actually perfect. Quite how Nelly transformed from being a bark-eating, yoghurt-knitting world music aficionado with no fans into a globe-straddling pop strumpet is anyone’s guess, but who cares? Just sling on your dancing trousers and turn this album all the way up to 10.
3) Gnarls Barkley – St Elsewhere On first listen this comes across like cats fighting in a dustbin but, with perseverance, it reveals its magnificence like a saucy lady in the Moulin Rouge. Gnarls Barkley are labelled a hip-hop act, but they’re far too eclectic and inventive to be filed alongside Nas or 50 fucking Cent. Songs like Who Cares and Transformer are frenetic, majestic and affecting all at the same time. And it’s a concept album about mental illness. Yipes!
4) Muse – Black Holes and Revelations While Gnarls Barkley are just singing about being barking mad, Muse are the real deal. On this album, they’re constantly banging on about spaceships, conspiracy theories and a strawberry pony called Helen (I may have made that last one up). But Matt ‘spoons’ Bellamy sings about it all with such conviction that you kind of accept it. Plus, they’ve largely ditched the 12-minute axe solos and made tight little poperas that literally explode from your speakers. Warning: Do no listen to this album on a motorway or you will accidentally start going far too fast for your own safety. I know this to be true.
5) Amy Winehouse – Back To Black Put this album on and you could be forgiven for thinking it was a lost classic from the heyday of Atlantic Records. Except, of course, that the lyrics feature such delightful couplets as “What kind of fuckery is this?” and “You don’t mean dick to me”. The lady with the potty-mouth is Amy Winehouse, and here she puts Christina Aguilera and Joss Stone in their places by concocting an album of soul standards that sounds fresh and real, rather than a faded facsimile of the real thing.
6) Pet Shop Boys – Fundamental I have never liked a Pet Shop Boys album before, but this one is superb. Back together with producer Trevor Horn, the PSBs find their form after a very long fallow period. Lead single I’m With Stupid had great lyrics and a so-so melody, but the rest of the CD towers above it – with heart-rending ballads Luna Park and I Made My Excuses and Left the stand-outs. But shame on them for shunting the superior Richard X collaboration, Fugitive, onto a bonus disc.
7) Red Hot Chili Peppers – Stadium Arcadium A caveat: This top ten placing is only for the tightened-up, 14 track version of the Chili’s double album I put together after sifting through the 38-million songs they puked up halfway through the year. Each of those 14 songs is lifted above the ordinary by John Frusciante’s breath-taking guitar playing. Nearly all of the tracks on the album (even the ones I don’t like) feature some new sound, clever effect or moment of heart-breaking virtuosity. Damn him.
8) The Raconteurs – Broken Boy Soldiers The White Stripes, but with discipline, Jack White’s side-project proved to be a formidable lesson in classic blues rock. There aren’t any major surprises or innovations here – just the sound of four musicians playing their tiny little hearts out. Could do with a haircut, though.
9) Beyoncé – B’day In which Beyoncé spends the best part of an hour shouting at someone (Jay-Z?) for cheating on her. Whatever personal crisis inspired this album, and no-one’s spilling any beans, it was worth it for the music. For the first time in her career, the thunder-thighed scream queen has turned in a CD you can listen to without your finger poised over the skip button. And it was all done and dusted in a week. Kate Bush, take note.
10) Justin Timberlake – FutureSex/LoveSounds Like Nelly Furtado’s Loose, this album is permanently smudged with Timbaland’s mucky fingerprints but – unlike her album – there isn’t a standout track that overshadows the rest. But there are several gems, from the filthy S&M anthem SexyBack to the tender, Coldplay-esque I Think She Knows (which should have been a full song, rather than a 2-minute interlude). The quality only drops towards the end when Timbaland absconds from production duties – presumably because he eventually needed a bit of a kip.
And that’s 2006 done and dusted… And the best thing about it all was that a big”wig” in charge of the record industry suddenly twigged that bloated 80-minute epic albums were all a bit rubbish and issued an edict that all CDs should fit onto one side of a D90 casette (note to youngsters: a cassette is an ipod with moving parts that can hold a laughable 90 minutes of music). Thus, and henceforth, all of the albums above – bar the Chilis – clock in at well under an hour. This is quite literally a-mazing and should be celebrated with a balloon.
Here it is, then, the Discopop Directory Totally Unbiased Top 10 Singles of 2006. As ever, instead of using any critical faculty, this is completely based on iTunes play counts – plus an amazing little bit of algebra that stops records from the start of the year automatically getting to the top of the list. That’s what an AS-Level in maths will do for you, folks.
So, from the top…
1) Nelly Furtado – Maneater Was there ever any doubt that Maneater would top the list? It’s a perfectly crafted pop single, starting off with a massive drumbeat that screams “look at me“, which is immediately followed (and this is a measure of just how brilliant the writing is) by the line “Everybody look at me“.
Do. You. See. What. They. Did. There? Pure genius.
2) The Raconteurs – Steady As She Goes I was surprised at this, too. Granted, it toddles along very pleasantly with a crunchy guitar hook and one of those melodies they used to write in olden times, when men rode horses and women had big skirts for the hiding of turnips inside. But the song has probably made its way to the top because it’s suitable for every occasion. I’ve played it in the car, at parties, and in my pyjamas. What a saucepot, eh, viewers?
3) Gnarls Barkley – Crazy This clearly should have been at number two. I’m currently looking at all that maths and trying to see if I got it wrong somewhere.
I hope I get marks for my working out.
4) Amy Winehouse – Rehab They tried to make her go to rehab. But do you know what she said? She said NO. Thrice.
What’s more, she did it all over a pseudo-Motown funky soul backbeat that made everyone go “oooh, she’s not half bad, is she?”. Top marks, too, for referencing Donnie Hathaway and Ray Charles.
And did you see Winehouse’s fantastic appearance on TV pop quiz Never Mind The Buzzcocks???
5) Robyn – Konichiwa Bictches Shame on you, punters, for not buying this sugary slab of fizzy pop. It’s as good as a Wham bar, only on CD. Here’s a sample of the words in the song, which are completely nutso-bonkers:
I’ll hammer your toe Like a pediatrician Saw you in half Like I’m a magician Tear you down Like I’m in demolition Count you out Like a mathematician
Luckily for you, its being re-released in 2007. Buy it, and slip into a musical diabetic coma.
6) Beyoncé – Irreplaceable Let’s face it, Beyoncé needed a bloody great ballad in her back catalogue to offset all those gloopy Destiny’s Child stinkers. This will duly be her pension fund – a great big kiss-off to a cheating partner with not a small amount of ego in the chorus. “I can have another you in a minute” indeed. Get her.
7) Muse – Supermassive Black Hole Muse generally write ridiculously overblown rock operas that would make Freddie Mercury think: “Actually, that’s taking things a bit far“, even if he was riding on Liberace’s back in a gold lamé jumpsuit at the time. So this three-minute pop song was something of a surprise. Coming on like Britney Spears on one of her dark days, it made Muse fans furious. “It sounds just like a fucking song to dance to when you’re at a wedding,” fumed one. But isn’t that exactly the point, my dear?
8) Red Hot Chili Peppers – Dani California Initially, this sounded like every other Red Hot Chili Peppers song ever. Seven months on, it still sounds like every Red Hot Chili Peppers song ever. But why change a successful formula? In fact, why not just go mental and make a double album of the same song over and over and over again? “Yes, that’s what we should do,” quoth the Peppers. Marvellous.
9) Nelly Furtado – Promiscous Hmmm… I suspect this is making an appearance in the Top 10 because its right next to Maneater on Nelly’s album, meaning I automatically listen to it at least twice a week. It has a clever lyrical conceit, if you discount all the other duets about a man and a woman chatting each other up – i.e. every duet in history except that one where Nick Cave does away with Kylie Minogues.
10) Girls Aloud – Something Kinda Ooooh Well, they had to make an appearance, didn’t they? The trailer for their hugely successful Greatest Hits album, Ooooh was a proper saucy little dance minx. There was an allusion to the sex act involving the bottom and something about a Toot-toot – which be a veiled reference to a lady’s mimsy if I’m not mistaken. Oooh-er.
So, there you have it. If you haven’t heard any of these (a) get thee to iTunes forthwith and (b) where have you been all year?
I’ll be back in 2007 with my top 10 albums, and a review of Kylie’s comeback tour in Wembley. Have a great New Year everyone!
This week’s video is one of my all-time favourites. The Red Hot Chili Peppers powerful rock-funk has always inspired strong visuals and, as one of the very few globe-straddling stadium acts who don’t take themselves too seriously, their videos are often blessed with that rare thing in rock: humour.
Shot by long-time collaborator Jonathan Dayton on the streets of LA, the video is inspired by a car chase scene in Mexican film Amores Perros.
The film shows singer Anthony Kiedis getting into a taxi driven by a fervent Red Hot Chili Peppers fan, played by David Sheridan. He kidnaps the singer, displaying increasingly bizarre behaviour – including a vaguely disturbing bare-chested dance in a tunnel.
The other band members attempt to rescue Kiedis – giving bassist Flea the opportunity to try out some death-defying stunts. “I do a headstand on the hood of the car,” he told MTV at the time. “And I have ropes tied to my toes that I steer the car with. It’s incredible!”
It’s a great video, capturing both the energy of the song and the goofy personalities of the band. Sheridan’s taxi-driver character was so poopular with viewers that he got to reprise the role in the inferior video for Universally Speaking.
Oh, and be sure to watch right to the bitter end, otherwise you’ll miss the punchline.
Buy the Red Hot Chili Peppers Greatest Hits on DVD at play.com
:: Isla Fisher looks truly scrumptious in this photoshoot for Allure magazine.
1) Nelly Furtado – Maneater
2) The Raconteurs – Steady As She Goes
3) Gnarls Barkley – Crazy
4) Amy Winehouse – Rehab
5) Robyn – Konichiwa Bictches
6) Beyoncé – Irreplaceable
7) Muse – Supermassive Black Hole
8) Red Hot Chili Peppers – Dani California
9) Nelly Furtado – Promiscous
10) Girls Aloud – Something Kinda Ooooh
This week’s video is one of my all-time favourites. The Red Hot Chili Peppers powerful rock-funk has always inspired strong visuals and, as one of the very few globe-straddling stadium acts who don’t take themselves too seriously, their videos are often blessed with that rare thing in rock: humour.
Temporary Fix 