You’d think that, with 30 years of practice, the Brits would have finally worked out how to throw a decent awards ceremony. But no, last night’s effort was as shambolic and hopeless as ever.
Now, putting on a two-hour live television show is hard work and I accept that a myriad of things can go wrong. Sam Fox’s stuttering intro to a video of “rememborable” Brits highlights, which then failed to play, could have been technical gremlins (or a snide tribute to the hopeless 1989 ceremony).
But there were so many more gaffes, mistakes and cringeworthy moments – Jonathan Ross, I’m looking at you – that you have to conclude the whole evening was as competently thought-through as my 1979 attempt to discover how many buttons I could fit inside my nose (Answer: four, before you need to go to A&E).
If they were really celebrating their 30th birthday, why were there no big performances from past winners? Why was the background music for the 30th anniversary award categories Rule Britannia, a classical piece written in 1740? And why did they hire a host whose only “joke” was to mock the music they were supposedly celebrating*?
On a more basic level, when the video inserts begin “here are the nominees for best xxxx”, the script leading into those videos shouldn’t say “here are the nominees for best xxxx”. They teach you that on first day of TV school.
Then there were the terrible pregnant pauses, the inexplicable appearance of Prince Harry, the inexplicable failure to edit out the bit where Prince Harry mugged to the camera, and the ongoing problems with syncing the sound to the picture – which meant that even the acts who were singing live looked like they were miming.
Some people have suggested that, like Ireland entering Dustin The Turkey for the Eurovision, ITV is trying to sabotage its hopes of producing next year’s ceremony. Lets’ face it, if the BBC stepped in with the team behind the amazing Children In Need Rocks concert, we’d see a marked improvement.
But the real reason for last night’s terrible, amateurish production is more mundane. The Brits still think they’re organising a big party in London for their showbiz mates. They’re not – they’re making a TV show, one that is supposed to showcase the sheer brilliance of our artists to the rest of the world. In the future, they have to make that the priority.
Anyway, rant over… The performances saved the show, as ever. Here are the best bits.
Jay-Z and Alicia Keys – Empire State Of Mind
Effortless, energising, excellent. Easily the best performance of the night. As is so often the case, the Americans were there to show us how it’s really done.
Florence and Dizzee – You Got The Dirtee Love
Should have been a mess, turned out to be excellent. But why didn’t these two award winners get a performance to themselves?
Robbie Williams – Lifetime Achievement Medley
Unbelievably, Robbie managed not to pull silly faces, talk to the crowd, forget his words or act like a twerp. AND he did No Regrets. Masterful.
Cheryl Cole – Fight For This Love / Show Me Love
Channelling the spirit of Janet Jackson, this wasn’t as spectacular as her X Factor performance – and the mash-up with Show Me Love was a bit pointless – but Cheryl had the best choreography of the night by far.
Lady GaGa – Telephone / Dance In The Dark
Polarising as ever, GaGa ditched a planned medley of her hits for a heartfelt, idiosyncratic tribute to Alexander McQueen. It was odd, but mesmerising – and she totally drew us into GaGa world. The mark of a true artist.
* Actually, Kay had one other joke, about the ceremony being “20 minutes of entertainment spread out over two hours”. He nicked it from Johnny Carson, who used it at the 1979 Oscars.
Dear Elvis,
It’s like someone pressed ‘pause’ on the news when I left the country. Two weeks off work and the headlines are all the same: “Government debates ridiculous infringement of our human rights”, “Boring Prince will marry boring lady”, “Pope still not dead”.
Temporary Fix 