Bjork explains how televisions work

If this video had been released today, it would be part of some bizarre “media strategy” to build up advance word about a new Bjork record.

But it’s not. It’s from 1994, when the only reason for a pop star to sit down and describe how a television set works was because the video was going to be used on an actual programme on an actual television station – and in those days there were only seven television stations in the enitre world (subs please check).

Bjork TV

Can you imagine one of today’s pop stars understanding the inner workings of a television? Does Aston out of JLS know the difference between 1080p and 720i on his HD flat screen? Can Dappy from N’Dubz make the subtitles work when he’s watching Holby City or Dispatches? Have John and Edward established to their own satisfaction that televisions are not the same as magic mirrors?

The answer to all of these questions is “no”.

It’s been a while, so what has been happening in the world of pop?

:: Rihanna went to number one with her Umberamella. You can stand under it, apparently.

:: Avril Lavigne did not get her waps out for Blender magazine, but they made it look like she did. Avril is not offended, because they paid her in whisky and cupcakes. So that’s alright, then.

:: Cheryl Tweedy called Lily Allen a “chick with a dick” after heavy provocation from Gordon Ramsay on his not-as-good-as-it-used-to-be TV show the F-Word. How does she know? Did Ashley Cole [rest of joke deleted on advice of lawyers]?

:: George Michael told Parky that smoking spliffs is, like, totally awesome dude. “Nobody ever came home stoned and beat up their wife,” he argues. And they say dope dulls the mind…

:: Beth Ditto got her top off at a concert and people went a bit bananas. It is best not to search for pictures on the internet unless you have a very happy relationship with jam roly poly.

:: Bjork’s Volta album was not the return to form we’d all be promised. Instead, it sounded like two cats fighting over a washing machine.

:: Lily Allen wrote a love letter to Cheyl Tweedy on the myspace. “I may not be as pretty as you but at least I write and SING my own songs without the aid of autotune . I must say taking your clothes off , doing sexy dancing and marrying a rich footballer must be very gratifying , your mother must be so proud , stupid bitch .” Ouch!

:: A probably not very legal collection of rare Madonna and Nelly Furtado tracks went online at Only VIP Media. Get them while you can.

:: Michael Jackson is trying to put a stop to an auction of his personal effects which, claim the owners, include paintings of young naked boys. What’s this? Michael Jackson – the cuddly, friendly Peter Pan of Pop – likes pictures of young men all in the buff and nudey? I don’t believe a word of this villainous claptrap.

:: Paris Hilton really is going to jail. In the words of Kermit the Frog: “Yayyyyy!”

:: Cheryl Tweedy ‘remembered’ (was told by a journalist) that Lily Allen has recently called her bandmates ugly and vile and husband Ashley Cole horrendous. “I can’t stand people who give it but aren’t prepared to get it back,” she told The Sun. “I left school a long time ago and have no time for this.” “Are you writing this down?” she probably did not add.

:: Germaine Greer read an article I wrote on the BBC website, likening Serbia’s Eurovision-winning performance to a slow-motion lesbian porn film. “Shame on him,” she wrote in The Guardian. I hold my hands up, Germaine. I’ve never seen a lesbian porn film. Have you?

Click on this

We’re currently in the process of ripping up Discopop Towers and moving it somewhere else. As a result, the blog might suffer a little. Especially as it looks like we’ll lose our internet connection for three weeks (makes sad face).

Anyway, here’s a quick rundown of some things on the fabulous magical interweb that have made me chirtle and, indeed, chortle.

:: Apologies to anyone who read my review of Spider-Man 3 and felt it was missing phrases like: “You bet your ass!“, “Dude nails it,” and “Spider-Man 3 is off the chain!“. This is the review for you. Moron.

:: Just Jared has the first shots of Heath Ledger as The Crow The Joker in the new Batman film. And yes, he is holding an humungous Rubik’s Cube.

:: Gwen Stefani’s tour rider includes the following non-calorific treats. Water, some more water, plums, bananas, a little bit more water, parsley, 2 AC power outlets (?) and some more water. Note to Gwen: A chicken sandwich won’t kill you.

:: Here is Bjork doing her mad-as-a-box-of-hats thing on Saturday Night Live. Except it’s recorded, and it’s now Monday evening. Freaky.

:: While I’m talking about Bjork, here’s her Rolling Stone Cover. Brilliant, no?

:: The ever-amazing Zeon’s Music Blog has MP3s of Arctic Monkeys covering Amy Winehouse and The Strokes on Radio One. I am so over the Arctic Monkeys, by the way.

Playing space invaders with Bjork

I’ve just downloaded the new Bjork single from iTunes and… it’s a corker.

I was a massive fan of the Icelandic nutcase during the Debut / Post / Homogenic era, but my appreciation of her more recent work has been more, shall we say, intellectual. That is, I listen to it once while thinking to myself “oh, that’s quite clever” before putting cotton wool in my ears to stem the bleeding.

But the new single (it’s called Earth Intruders) is a different matter all together. Produced by Timbaland, it blows the socks off his tepid egowank of an album. In fact, it’s so good it blows those socks into orbit. Around Venus. 20,000 years in the future.

Typically for a Bjork song, I haven’t a clue what it’s all about. The most repeated words are “twigs and branches”. Bjork appears to be using said timber products to molest some jam jars. It is a glorious cacophony.

Bjork – Earth Invaders

PS: Is this what the whole twigs and branches thing is about?

The miniature arrow of truth

I was going to do one of those graphics which lists things beside a gigantic arrow in order to illustrate how some things are better than others. But I’m too stupid to work out how to put links in it.

So, in descending order of amazingness, I present “A big list of things I have stolen found on the ineterents”.

:: Amerie’s new single, Gotta Work.
Amerie now has two singles that sound exactly like Beyoncé’s Crazy In Love. This is no bad thing, as Crazy in Love rips the shit out of every record released since, oooh, Dire Straits’ Brothers In Arms (nb: joke). Here is an Mp3 for the curious [Amerie – Gotta Work]. I will give a big wet kiss to anyone who can tell me what the sample is.

:: Bjork dresses up for her new album cover.

I want a costume like this, and I want it now bitches.

:: Charlie Brooker on those irritating Mac and PC ads.
“The ads are adapted from a near-identical American campaign – the only difference is the use of Mitchell and Webb. They are a logical choice in one sense (everyone likes them), but a curious choice in another, since they are best known for the television series Peep Show – probably the best sitcom of the past five years – in which Mitchell plays a repressed, neurotic underdog, and Webb plays a selfish, self-regarding poseur. So when you see the ads, you think, “PCs are a bit rubbish yet ultimately lovable, whereas Macs are just smug, preening tossers.” In other words, it is a devastatingly accurate campaign.”
[Read more]

:: Timbaland’s Shock Value album.
Half of it borders on genius. Half of it is the violent misogynystic rambling of a deluded egomaniac. Buy Robyn’s album instead.

:: Halle Berry gets a Hollywood star.
Man, she really loves that sidewalk.

Or maybe she just fell over. Who knows?

:: Clive James on 24.
“How hard can an actor grit his teeth before they shatter? Kiefer Sutherland grits them to the point where you imagine a Ming vase in a vice. When will they explode?”
[Read more]

:: Alanis Morisette’s April Fool joke.
She did an “hilarious” cover version of the Black Eyed Peas’ My Humps which
a) Is a year late
b) Labours the point somewhat
c) Makes you yearn for the original.